things that DON'T substitute for condoms

balloons
plastic baggies with rubber bands
wool skin
super glue
dryer sheets
cheese paper
wax paper
altered rubber gloves
tights
panty hose
hosiery in general
pulling out
praying
denial
saying I love you
pig skins
being the first time
play dough
silly putty
saliva/drool
a thug life style
knowing him
leaves
genuine feelings
being sterile (?)
the party streamers
Ziploc bags
Wash cloths
Paper napkins
Punctured condoms (obviously)
Used condoms
Plaster
Stucco
Sheets
Underwear
Tinsel
Wrapping paper and ribbons
Soda cap
Anything metallic
Or pointy
Ice cream cone
Chalk
Butter
Ice Cream
Jelly
Jam
Any Spread really
spermacidal lube