things that DON'T substitute for condoms

balloons
plastic baggies with rubber bands
wool skin
super glue
dryer sheets
cheese paper
wax paper
altered rubber gloves
tights
panty hose
hosiery in general
pulling out
praying
denial
saying I love you
pig skins
being the first time
play dough
silly putty
saliva/drool
a thug life style
knowing him
leaves
genuine feelings
being sterile (?)
the party streamers
Ziploc bags
Wash cloths
Paper napkins
Punctured condoms (obviously)
Used condoms
Plaster
Stucco
Sheets
Underwear
Tinsel
Wrapping paper and ribbons
Soda cap
Anything metallic
Or pointy
Ice cream cone
Chalk
Butter
Ice Cream
Jelly
Jam
Any Spread really
spermacidal lube

things that should never be filled with chalk

My mouth
The swimming pool
Backyards
The amazon
Your brain
Your womb
Bodies
Graves
Or coffins
Sneakers
Cream filled donuts
Boobs
It should never be cum
the last water bottle in the desert
ice caps
the space shuttle
my sink
my drain
my windpipe
my fish tank
my cover up
my tube of toothpaste
the ice skating rink
the slip and slide
your canal project
aqueducts
beaver damns
sewage treatment facilities
coffee mugs
things I’ve paid for
my wallet
my veins
the streets of Venice
my aquaphor (also, semiprecious)
the grand canyon
ski slopes
my bag of cocaine
my gas tank
a wicker basket
a gerbil ball
animal burrows
nature
hammocks
a topiary
sieves
funnels
sifters
thermometers
water slides
parachutes
wet suits
submersibles
baby bottle
light fixtures
your fireplace
grandma’s house
the bag of marshmallows
mail
the beach
the ocean
the molten core of the earth
the sun
the atmosphere
the stratosphere
the heavens
my ass
bags of sand
open wounds
open mouths
open holes
closed holes
the milk carton
your pint of ice cream
your waterbed
your beer ball
your inhaler

OOpples and Boononos

ooples
Apple, Granny Smith Apples, Johnny Apple seed, apple trees, apple tart, apple pie, american pie 2 and 3, apple jacks, bobbing for apples, computer apples, candied apples, caramel apples, APPalachians mt range, apple strudel, apple sauce, apple juice, macintosh apples, the big yellow apples-golden?, juicy apples, parasite ridden apples, rotten apples, apples on sticks, apples that have been cooked into pastries, apples in cereals, apple slices, apple squares, ripe apples, juicy apples, sour apples, bruised apples, apple cores, APPL-cots, apples to apples, poisoned apples, snowwhites apple, apple a day keeps the doctor away, apple seeds, apples cider, hot apple cider, heated apples, baked apples, bushels of apples, apple of my eye, peanutbutter and apples, juggling apples, pink lady apples, apple pickers, the apples in stereo, apple X, apple slicers, apple stems, wormy apples, diced apples, apple slices, apple and apricot salad, apple peel


boononos
Banana, banana pudding, banana bread, banana cream pie, banana smoothies, banana in pajamas, banana splits, bananas and monkeys, banana peels, banana boat, crème bruelle (bananas on fire), peanut butter and banana sandwich, banana pancakes, frozen bananas, ten cents gets you nuts, chocolate covered bananas, green bananas, yellow bananas, red bananas, where the fuck you get that banana at?!, imported bananas, Brazilian bananas, go bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s, Come mister tally man tally me banana daylight come and me wan' go home, banana muffins, banana by products, bananas value in the world market, banana protection foundations, banana themed clothing, banana underwear, banana costumes, bananas as mascots, 99 bananas, banana telephone, play it bitch, consumed bananas, chaicka banana, banana venders, banana stands, the banana plant, banana clusters, banana leaves, seedless fruit, monkeys eating bananas, banana chips, ben and jerry’s chunky monkey ice cream, bananas for potassium, bananas and blow-the ween song, ripe bananas, how banana size varies, banana slug, banana hammock, banana booths, banana propaganda, banana stickers

Wife Life

Strip club
Soccer practice
Grocery store
Keeping the pantry properly stocked
Being stocky
Trying to fit in with the guys
Watching world poker
Therapy
Suppressing emotions
Rereading Jane Austin novels
Playing sudoku
Attempting the crosswords
Failing
Having your hair dyed (so no longer grey)
Becoming your mother
Snipping
Pruning
Nagging
Bragging
driving mini van
school bumper stickers
Being the authoritarian
Be the girl scout troop leader
Running errands
Redecorating
Childproofing
Hiding the weed from the kids
Locking up the booze basement
Lying
Never letting your kids believe in Santa
Performing household chores
AKA, laundry, bedside manner, cleaning, scrubbing, fabricating, bathing etc
Chip and Dale show (I’m premiering)
Slaving away in … (kitchen, garden, car repair, interior designs magazine , etc.)
Being pregnant
Rearing
Mounting (picture frames)
Paying bills
Balancing the Check Book
Ordering dinner
Tipping too much for delivery
Forgetting the call the babysitter
Being a home body
Spying on neighbors
Cleaning the litter box
Dog walking, in hopes sparking conversation with fellow dog lovers
Watching law and order
Loving Bob Barker
Netflix
Checking my g-mail account
Logging out
Doing kids homework
Babying
Playing favorites

EXCLIMATIONS! (exclimation mark)

Baby Jesus!
Jesus God!
Kentucky Fried Werewolves!
God Bless America!
Everything is AOK!
Son of a Triscuit!!!
Pagan God
By the Hammer of Zeus!
And Thor’s Thunder!
Lord of the Fan!
Underwater Respiration!
Latent Plagiarism!
Hunt for Red October!
To Kill a Mockingbird!
The Holy Bible!
By the Power of the Lorax…
Oh, Beowulf!
You Two Faced Son of A Jackal!!
SIMBAAAAA!
By the jaw line of Johnny Depp
For the Love of the Bon!
For the Sake of All Things Holy!
Oprah Winfrey!
Architectural Wonders of the World!
To Infinity, And Beyond!
KELLY CLARKSON
spell check!
Nantucket!
Nectar Juice of Buddah!
Oh, by the papal ordinance!
CAMPO!!

Poems Worthy of Memorization

The kids are very good

Santa visits

Santa is very hungry

And eats my cookies

My milk is empty

And Santa kicks me with his shoes

I am sad

And put Santa in a cage
- Chris Mcleod (1988-present)

Things that are semiprecious

Computer games that are made for windows 95
Donkey Kong
Heaven's Gates
the sweet sweat of victory
the family jewels
fruit stands
pumpkin patches
toys of childhood laments
recyclables
mothers milk
really good cheese
wine sipping
houses constructed of food
Scar Gel
trapeze artists
needless doings
Road signs
Tiger’s eye
Eye of the Tiger
Rosita Stone
The Bible
Chewbaaca
sentiments
Bananas
Juicy highlights
Realistic wigs
Good habits
beanie babies
pull up diapers
being a big kid
adolescence
smokers cough
I will survive by cake
Pastries
Knowing all the words
Mac Pogue
Head phones
Ear plugs
Things that block out mac’s voice
Your body
My clamtrap

Thing you should let influence who you are

Cock
Video games
NOT a woman
Day time TV
Rap lyrics
The media
Doctors orders
Infomercials

Things I'd Rather My Mother Not Be

A polar bear, with an attitude
Sumo wrestle
Faker
Desperate
Gaudy
Mauve
Sad
Overly cheerful
Immortal
Pagant winner
Authoritarition
Neo nazi
Dumb
Polymigamist
Up to date with today’s fashions
Online
Connected
Smart, or clever, or crafty, or pesty nothing invasive
Understanding
Passive aggressive
A werewolfe
Big foot
Blurry
Dazed and Confused
Invested
Poor
Needy
Healthy
My age
My aunt/sister/cousin
A blogger
barren
Disappointed
A man

Dangerous Passtimes

Thinking
Not having a buddy when walking around campus
Gambling
Letting myself love
Shopping
Driving
Flying
Skydiving
Showers
Going to the doctor
Dog handaling
Man handeling
Being man handeled
Cooking
Using the stove
Microwaving
Sword fighting
Swimming
Climbing up to the top bunk
Hooking up on the top bunk
Playing cards
Being emo
Horse back Riding
Walking in other peoples shoes
Sponge bathing
Going down to the ravine
Drinking
Taking flaming shots
Drinking absenca
Drunk dials/wall posts/ AIM
Leaving my room
Breeding
Learning a new language
begging
painting HOMO things in my room
Road Tripping

Animal Band names

Eagles
Monkees
Beatles
Animal Collective
Adam and the Ants
Andrew Bird
Mountain Goats
The AquaBATS
Artic Monkeys
Living Things
Snoop Dogg
Band of Horses
Wolf Parade
Wolfmother
The Bird and the Bee
Birdman
Howlin Wolf
They Might Be Giants
Bloodhound Gang
Blue Oyster Cult
Counting Crows
Crazy Frogs
Dinosaur Jr
The Animals
Flock of Seagulls
T-Rex
Jamie Foxx
Stray Cats
Patrick Wolf
Steppenwolf
Leftover Salmon
Sparkle Horse
Moose on Mars
Scorpions
Loose Fur
Susie and the Bangies
Sheryl Crow
Modest Mouse
The Cardinals
The O’Jays
The Robins
Party Cats
Reel Big Fish
Phish
Pet Shop Boys
Porcupine Tree
Pussy Cat Dolls
Three Dog Night
The Mouskateers
Psychadelic Furs
The Pixies
Seal
Echo And The Bunnymen
Pedro and the Lion
Panda Bear
Whitesnake
The White Buffalo
Patty Griffin
The Iguanas
Deerhoof
Gorillaz
Doves
Doctor Dog
The Unicorns
Grizzly Bear
Minus the Bear
Hootie and the Blowfish
Eels
Super Furry Animals
Danger Mouse
Cat Stevens
Cat Power
Reindeer Selection
Caribou

Things you Regret

My birth
Last night
Being lonely
Channel surfing
Mono
Facebooking
Learning to read
Presipiring
Tattoos
Embarrassing moments
My family
My period
The early 90s
4th grade
and 7th grade
when things come to an end
comments
purchases
this list
bringing back bad memories
frosting
eating
day time tv
that I’m not flava flav
the iron giant
rush hour 3
the polar express movie
swimming in polluted waters
mutations
My genes
Social class
Country music
Rachel Ray
Not being a wizard
Not being really hot
Not living in wonderland
Not drinking last night
My dancing
D30s kitchen
Retardation
My children
Taking chemistry
College football
Organized sports
Unruly fans (fucking ruining it for everyone!)
Competition
Confessions
Dihabilition
Sexual relations
Bush
Cheney
Republicans
Grey hound races
Whale hunting
Extinctions
Global warming
Cars
Fertizler
Horse races
School dances
Prom
Dinner parties with parents friends
Murder
Death
Destruction
Buildings toppling over
Earthquakes
Fault lines
Tornados
Hurricane warnings in Orgeon
Fires
Forest fires
The power of my intellect
Not buying that sweater in denmark
Never having been to denmark
Clocks that display the wrong time
Toms toothpaste
Bring your daughter to work day
Arrested development being canceled
Pollutions
My singleness
Snack (and bite) sized options
Spoorks
My ignorance
The way I walk
Bimbos
My high school
Squirrels
Anna Nicole Smith
Stereotypes
The demise of Michael Jackson
Needing to sleep
Star trek fanatics
Braces
The bowl hair cut
Bangs
Missed opportunities
Religion
Authority
Creepers
Terrorists
Commercial jingles that get stuck in your head

Things that you only ever do with your grandma

Go to the opera
Play kings corners
Admire decks of cards
Stay in the Christmas tree shop from opening to closing
Be out of date
Touch wrinkles
Talk about local affairs
Not swear
Drive too fast
Drive behind the bus
Watch homeward bound
investigate maternal matters
learn about your geneology

Things that Flop

Fish
My chest
Bad movies
Flip flops
Falling pancakes
Flap jacks
my grades
the economy
flaccid penises
disks (floppy)
bellys
trampoline jumps

Things you can Beat

A punching bag
Alcholism
Mono
Board games
Little siblings
Diseases
Video games
Nails
The competition
Races
Marathons
Cancer
Obesity
Blindness
Ex boyfriends
Current boyfriends
Crime
Poverty
Iraqis
Acne
The man
Desperation
Extinction
Cookie dough
Meat
Animals
Sudden urges
Cravings
Chocolate addictions
Drug addictions
Law suit
The system
drums
clay
art teachers
your nalgene
the shrine of the golden monkey

Things I Really Felt Like Munching (created last weekend)

Top Ramen (not beef liver flavored...mac.)

Doughnuts (preferably maple)

More pasta from the Bon

Kaserkraaner

Snowcones

Heirloom tomatoes

Americone Dream (thank you, Steven Colbert)

Bacon

Homecooked food

on a side note, or side list rather...

Things I Should Be Doing Instead of This List:

putting on warm clothes

getting ready for class in general

finishing my essay

sleeping

eating

cleaning

doing laundry

chores in general

Getting a Life

dynamics

dynamic, explosive, interracial couples, personal longing, participation, being accepted, being subtle, being outlandish, being an oxymoron, interglacial relations, polar ice caps, beer caps, night caps, big caps, big bottles, jugs, varying volumes of water, distribution & measurement, apartheid, water pots, water  jugs, suckling, baby bottles, mugs, mug shots, low blows, wind, whistles, teapots, jobs, things that blow, blow holes, sink holes, depression, double meanings, sexual interpretations, implicit meanings, getting side tracked, being tracked, violating court orders, ordering take out, taking orders, taking names, taking the hand of one you love, quick disposals, things that can only be used once, paper dishes, condoms, bullets, my heart, q-tips, advise, getting guidance, giving guidance, misleading, misunderstanding, disentanglements, mistletoe, mistakes, outtakes, out bursts, out of order signs, outfitters, the great outdoors, the aussy out back, packing backpacks, packing lunch, packing bowls, packing heat, packing in general, stocking stuffers, oversized clothing, proportions,  spills, leaks, down pours,  downing in general, malt liquor, AA,  batteries, things made for mans convience, Taco Bell, animals that talk, vegetables that talk, arguments with your eggplant, imagining a hard boiled egg morphing and sprouting roots and pedals, oddities, odd balls, taboo, separation, isolation, mutation, morphation, growth in general, comparing baby pictures with funeral pictures, cribs with coffins, robbing the cradle, couples, couple therapy, couple dynamics, group dynamics

Read very fast while high:

Round numbers, round, plumpness, ripe fruits, fruit of the loom, American apparel, underwear, under here, prepositions in general, preppy things, argyle, gargoyles, good Disney shows, Disney in general, mermaids, maids, Thumbelina, thumbs, opposable thumbs, opposable toes, dispensable toes, dispensing machines, rest stops, truck stops, gas stops, booze stops, potty stops, stop signs, road trips, road signs, signs, sign language, detours, tours, tourists, fanny packs, sunblock, SPF awareness, global warning awareness, breast cancer awareness, blind people awareness, anorexic awareness, std awareness, teen pregnancy awareness, awareness in general, wareness, weenies, elbow, round things, round numbers!

Rules and Guidelines Pertaining to Integrity, Respect, Roommates and Dominance

1. DON'T SHARE
2. Unscrew roommates lightbulbs
3. Stay sober
4. Make newcomers feel unwelcome and uncomfortable
5. No clothes are to be worn after lights out
6. Lights out is all the time (no bulbs)
7. Puke in trash cans and plastic bags
8. Store in fridge (be sure the label)
9. Only use codenames in conversation
10. Slowly move into the bathroom
11. Refuse to accept the laws of gravity, try and disprove them at any opportunity
12. Live like the laws of physics don't apply to you
13. Good manners are always secondary to your cause
14. Turn everything into a race
15. run in place...new workout routine!
16. Deny what is obviously and indisputably true
17. Don't fraternize. ever. or loiter.
18. Overcome stairways
19. Punch windows
20. Manhandle doors (and toilets)
21. Be surprised that you're wet after showering
22. Burn popcorn and turn on hair straighteners to mask undesirable odors (namely weed)
23. Constructively critique
24. Construct
25. View world through kaleidoscope eyes
26. Feign a child's air
27. Decline to offer help or sympathy
28. Revert to infancy
29. (see 12/13) Crawl upside down on people
30. Always be giving tours
31. Live your life like its "Your Life, ON ICE!"
32. Refer to Wizard People for all of life's questions
33. Question authority
34. Be a milkshake of all great conquerors past
35. Reject rejection
36. Commit 110%. or half heartedly (or half assed)
37. Randomly check peoples pulse claiming you were unsure of their vitals
38. Provide chapter names for various parts of your day
39. If its your party, you can cry if you want to
40. Always be prepared for combat
41. Listen to mother nature
42. Knock on Heaven's Door. Then Run Away. Ding Dong Ditch
43. Be fashionably late
44. Only drink alone, never with company
45. Scream audibly when enlightenment is obtained
46. Gulp nervously when appropriate
47. Have weird inflections in your voice
48. Make people prove it
49. Become a bureaucrat
50. Never suck!

*take a breather. you deserve it*
do you like butter tarts? ok. moving on!

51. Administer quiz before any interaction
52. Talk about yourself as if you were a wild beast
53. Routinely become a wild beast
54. Collect hair, fuzz, fluff, other future nest/blanket material
55. Kick back cold ones
56. Fixate.
57. Reinvent the internet
58. Reminisce. Immediately!
59. Don't burn your popcorn, burn weed! but NOT trashcans
60. Scavenge
61. Become a bottom feeder
62. Organize playdates
63. Tire quickly of others
64. Go home early
65. Succumb to the placebo effect seemingly unknowingly
66. Release primal yelps
67. Hoot
68. Toot your own horn, and a select few others
69. Claw at someone when in disagreement
70. Wink knowingly at passersby
71. Love candy, eat candy, hoard candy
72. And we're back to number one! (don't share!)
73. Give awkward, uncalled for hugs/affection
74. Pensivate
75. Slip made up words into conversation, then claim foreign roots.
76. Freak out
77. Have composure
78. Snort. cocaine.
79. Store time in your hands
80. Comply with long lists!!! (esp. this one)
81. Don't stop (there were songs involved here, but they don't translate well to the internet)
82. Make sense
83. Mess up, slip up, catch up, re up
84. Dance to your own music
85. Follow your body's natural beat
86. rhythminize
87. Gesticulate
88. Use spell check.
89. Give credit where credit is not due
90. Always finish your beer
91. Decorate seasonally
92. Drink openly, Lust openly
93. Shit privately (clutch)
94. Laugh hysterically
95. Be hysteric
96. Review for coherence and validity
97. Always have background music ON
98. Provide your own theme music
99. Disorient
100. Reenact birth to break up daily monotony
101. Create creative song to aid memory
102. (not lactate)
103. Assure people of validity of statements to the point of annoyance or abandonment
104. Apply makeup generously
105. Paint yourself (blue)
106. Ty to camouflage into backdrops
107. Avoid eye contact
108. Finish after you're ahead
109. Claim ignorance to mask real ignorance
110. Carry props
111. Don't chip teeth, chip in for beer
112. Avoid sin-->gravitate towards Jesus
113. Never have downtime
114. Show no emotion, or weakness
115. Be ready for everything
116. Master
117. Indulge yourself with games and liquor
118. Have a stockpile of Mac&Cheese
119. Twist truth to meet your own needs
120. Abuse US Postal Service
121. Always stay on point
122. Master horse skillz and sex skillz
123. Remember that your point is the only one that matters (act accordingly)
124. After hooking up, ask for tips
125. Steal
126. Apologize profusely for things out of your control
127. Mimick to gain peers acceptance
128. Pose/have a distinct strut
129. Glow. Set yourself ablaze
130. Set limitations. Break them
131. Strive for perpendicularity
132. Don't celebrate half birthdays
133. Don't act on desperation
134. Realize that if you pee like a puppy, you can't run with the big dogs
135. Seek out puppies, pet, love, pour affection on them
136. Sun bathe
137. Express yourself through song
138. Use humor as a shield
139. Mull over mistakes
140. Have a healthy appetite, not just for food (knowledge, attention, success...etc.)
141. Recite poetry
142. Keep your eyes on the prize
143. You are the prize
144. Carry a mirror around with you at all times
145. Dress appropriately
146. Don't have a learning curve
147. Never feel pain
148. Repeat yourself
149. Become allies with trickery
150. Avenge.

*phew!*

Talking. or Not Talking.

oodles and oodles of lists!